Preventing Progress
Pseudo History using Lewis & Clark
You know how bureaucrats always end up doing the opposite of what they set out to do? Let’s imagine what the mindless bureaucrat’s opposition to the Lewis and Clark adventure would sound like, if for no other reason than to help grasp the timelessness of the bureaucrat rhetoric used to impede human progress…..
TIME WARP TO Congressional Hall 1803
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To the Honorable Members of Congress:
I write to you today with great concern regarding President Jefferson’s preposterous proposal to fund an exploratory expedition to the Pacific Ocean, under the guise of what he’s calling "an adventure of discovery." He envisions sending two individuals—Meriwether Lewis and William Clark, no less—on a frivolous and frankly, dangerous journey into the untamed wilderness, with the ludicrous notion that this expedition will somehow benefit our fledgling nation.
Let me be clear: this expedition represents nothing less than fiscal irresponsibility and moral recklessness.
Firstly, I implore you to consider the indigenous nomads who inhabit this vast and untamed western territory. These individuals have lived there peacefully (well, relatively) for generations, undisturbed by the noise and nonsense of so-called "progress." To impose upon them with this disruptive expedition would be nothing short of cultural imperialism! Have we no respect for the delicate balance of their ecosystems and ways of life? To trample through their sacred lands with muskets, scientific instruments, and—God forbid—cartography kits would undoubtedly set off a cultural crisis the likes of which we cannot begin to fathom.
And as if that wasn’t enough, the disease! Has the President learned nothing from our own dealings with the pox? Send two men, and they will return with plagues upon plagues. Let’s not kid ourselves—it's a petri dish out there. With every step they take westward, Lewis and Clark will likely spread untold germs, wiping out populations who have never encountered the East’s myriad maladies. But worse yet—what if they bring new diseases back to us? How would this Congress explain to our constituents that we funded a journey that brought back smallpox, cholera, or some other yet unknown pestilence from the edge of the Earth? Our cities would crumble, and this progress Jefferson speaks of would be our undoing.
Then there’s the issue of our already overstretched budget. This government, as we all know, is overextended. The ink on our checks has barely dried from the Louisiana Purchase—a transaction that, may I remind you, was itself a fiscal folly. Are we truly going to allocate even more funds to exploring land that we’ve already been forced into acquiring? The audacity! Shouldn’t we, instead, be focusing on strengthening our alliances in the East—with Europe, where the future of civilization clearly resides? We have longstanding relationships with France, Britain, and Spain to nurture, alliances that will ensure our survival in this increasingly hostile world. But no, Jefferson would have us throw good money into the wilderness on some wild goose chase for flora, fauna, and rivers to the Pacific. Rivers! We already have rivers, thank you very much.
Let’s not forget the logistical absurdity of this enterprise. Two men—armed with little more than notebooks and rifles—expect to traverse thousands of miles of uncharted land, all for the mere possibility of mapping a few streams? I shudder at the thought of our tax dollars funding such a fool’s errand. The unpredictable weather, the wild animals, the potential hostility from tribes—we’re practically funding their funerals at this point.
Lastly, allow me to address the delusion that this expedition could result in some sort of economic gain. There are already well-established trade routes across the Atlantic. Our merchants are engaged in the global economy, and our focus should remain on the profitable eastward gaze. The West, by comparison, is an empty, useless wilderness—a vast expanse of nothingness populated by nomads and buffalo. There is simply no realistic economic upside. We should not delude ourselves into believing that some far-off ocean on the other side of a continent can offer anything more than additional expenses and headaches.
In conclusion, President Jefferson’s proposal is nothing short of a national disgrace. Instead of sending Lewis and Clark on this unnecessary and ruinous adventure, we should refocus our energies on the civilized world. The wilderness is best left to itself, undisturbed by men of progress. I urge you to reject this dangerous and expensive notion in the strongest possible terms. History will not be kind to those who fund folly.
Yours in reason and responsibility,
A Concerned Bureaucrat
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